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Failure to Thrive.

Updated: Oct 19, 2021


Such a broad term that can be used to describe a lot of things.


For my wee monkey, it's now used to define her.


Which is gut-punching and honestly, mama-crushing, in countless ways.


Over 5 months in, and without any answers despite endless appointments, specialist referrals, CT scans, swallow studies, poop studies, lab work, medications, formula, pumping and pumping and more pumping... Aspen continues to crawl forward at a turtle's pace when it comes to her growth.

The shit of it is, she actually is thriving.

In pretty much every other way.

In truth, when I see this written all over her medical chart, the word that resonates most, of course, is 'failure'.


But not on her part.

On mine.


This is one of those logical/emotional battles that plays out endlessly in my head. Where on one hand, I know I've literally done every.single.thing. I.can to facilitate her growth.


And on the other side?

Yeah, that one. The emotional side, where that bitch always wins. At present she's screaming, "What are you doing wrong?! Your primary job is to get your baby to grow. Why can't you do it?!"


*Sigh...


This season has been an interesting one. Frustrating, confusing, worrisome... emotionally and mentally exhausting.


It's also served as one filled with unparalleled joy and amazement.


Knowing this is my last baby rodeo, I've never appreciated this experience more. Getting to be this mini's mama? Without a doubt, the greatest gift that I'm not sure I deserve.


I guess what I'm trying to learn is how to compartmentalize. Emotionally. To soak up all the ways she's thriving and sharing her fantastic and insane monkey love with me. Because this is where she's overflowing.


Where she has literally tons of juicy happy rolls rolling off her... not in pounds, rather, but in joy.


The worry, the fear, the doubt, the concern? Let's be serious, that will always be a constant hum in the background. I'll never be able to shake that until... well, until she catches up, I suppose.


So how about with you...

Any areas of your life you can separate? Where you can embrace what is joy-filled, what is solid, what is successful, what feels right and good and fabulous from what feels, umm..., less than?


I think that's another reason why I love BASE.

I just feel so effing good when I'm running it. When I'm taking class. When I'm with you all, sweating it out,

regardless of what's playing in the background.


Yeah, I can compartmentalize then.

I can shut out the the shit. I can turn off the noise.

In that space, there truly is no thought of failure.

In that space, we're all thriving.


If you're chasing the same, know that you're not alone.

We're here, doing the things to keep our

own crazy at bay.

Join us anytime.


In sweaty gratitude, always,

-B xo





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