So this is me.
Coming back to the light after some serious darkness.
To all those who have continued to reach out, check in, and send some love, THANK YOU.
I soak in it. Or at least let it shine on me on the days or moments when it's cloudy af.
Not really sure why I needed to step back a bit.
I haven’t really felt this way before.
Well, that’s not exactly true. I’ve gotten here before. This murky place where I’ve wanted to hide. Often following a tremendous loss. Loss of loved ones, loss of a marriage that was, loss of pregnancies, loss of babies that were, loss of what I thought I had….
I think it's that last one that got me here this time.
Because I’m not neglecting how much things have been worse.
Or blind to how much things could be worse.
Maybe what I’m feeling is simply a loss of what I thought I had (besides my sanity)-
A loss, rather, of what I thought this road would be.
Including the loss of being the mom who could understand, control and fix everything.
A dear friend relayed recently to me that it's clear Aspen has her own journey. That it's actually not mine to define. And that the act of surrendering to both this recognition and this road is what is required.
I told her how fitting that thought was.
As I’ve lost my mind on this journey trying to get her somewhere. Anywhere.
And now we’re just here.
This weird land of requiring a fucking feeding tube to get her to grow.
So how do I let go of what I can’t control? What I can’t fix...
For months, this all consuming hunt to understand has filled my day. My head. My heart.
And ever since leaving the hospital, I’ve remained in this permanent emotional fog, this ever blah blue funk, that I can’t seem to shake.
So what can I shake off here?
My feelings of failure?
And what can I shake back in?
I’m writing more. Really actually needing to write more, honestly. Bringing my head to paper in an effort to sort through the endless, often looping thoughts and feelings I have that threaten to take me under.
For those that know, BASE Method, my fitness method and brand, was developed with the belief that group fitness can be incredibly challenging, warmly supportive and ridiculously fun.
In simple terms, I believe this defines life as well.
And while it's safe to say I’m still swimming in some shit, I also know just how much the people in my life have thrown me both supportive life preserves and some serious laughs.
Couldn’t do this without them. Without a lot of you here reading this now.
BASE served as the place for me to stay sweatily connected in the craziest of years.
And while it's currently on pause (like the rest of my life apparently), I wanted to create another outlet and space for our connection and community to only deepen.
Now more than ever, I appreciate just how much our collective strength isn’t limited to our bodies.
Let’s continue to build, support and rock a strong tribe.
I need it. Maybe you do too.